Happy Anniversary to ME!!

Today marks exactly one year since I stopped talking to Brandon, aren't you proud of me? Well regardless, I'm proud of me!

Wow, so much has happened since a year ago.

Wait let me restate that, so many good things have happened since a year ago. It has not been all roses and smiles, but I can say I wouldn't want to be any where else than I am in life right now. I am so blessed and grateful for the out pour of support I have gotten over the past year from my family and friends.

The last time I saw Brandon was Saturday, November 14, 2009 at his game where I was awkwardly made to sit by his family; where his brother, Danny, proceeded to get hammered from a flask he snuck into the game and harassed me. Danny called me a stalker and kept asking me what I was doing at the game. I'm so glad Brandon had the balls to tell his family we were talking again and attempting to work on things. During Danny's drunken episode, he ran into Brandon's now girlfriend and tried to persuade her to leave her then boyfriend for Brandon. Did I mention this all happened about 10-15 feet from me? I was within hearing distance from Danny but couldn't bring myself to actually listen to what he was saying to her. This was the last straw for me because I knew instead of Brandon telling his family that him and I were trying to get back together, he told his family about her. I wanted to yell and scream and cry at anyone and everyone who would listen. Instead I remained quiet and emotionless even when Brandon scored the winning touchdown. I knew if I let out an ounce of emotion, it would be tears or anger or worse-both. After the game, I was dragged down onto the field to celebrate the win with Brandon, drunk Danny and the rest of the family. Oh wait, it gets better...as I was politely saying good-bye to the whole Brandon family clan knowing it was most likely the last time I was going to see any of them again, Brandon's mom shoveled me into Brandon and made us take a picture together. This picture has to be one of the most awkward pictures EVER! The next day, I saw Danny post on Brandon's Facebook about her and asking him what I was doing at the game. Brandon dodged mentioning me, but rather just talked about her to Danny. This was it. I knew it was time to walk away, but this time it had to be for good. Right then and there in the middle of the afternoon on November 15, 2009, I called Brandon up and asked "What the hell are we doing?". Of course, the only answer I got to all of my questions was: "I don't know". I asked him why he didn't stand up for me to Danny anymore, why his family knew about her, why he lied to me about her, why he continued to play with my emotions, why my unconditional love wasn't good enough and why he couldn't love me back the way I loved him. The answer I got to all my questions, yes you guessed it!..."I don't know". After an hour and a half conversation, the last thing I said to him was, "After I hang up this phone, I promise you, you are NEVER going to hear from me again. Not one more text, phone call, nothing. If you want to talk to me, it's all on you because you are never going to hear from me again". Throughout all the random texts and attempts to return my things back to me, I'm here today, exactly one year later and proudly report I haven't texted him, seen him, e-mailed him, NOTHING :)!

Okay, so now onto my real emotions, thoughts and feelings...one year later.

This past year has sucked. I lost someone who I thought was the love of my life, found out he not only emotionally but physically cheated on me with another girl or most likely girls (I remember finding a random condom wrapper at his apartment a few short weeks before we broke up. When I confronted him about it, he kept saying no, no it's from us.. Well there was an empty condom wrapper in his living room and we never had sex there AND I haven't been to his apartment since a month prior, I highly doubt he'd leave an empty condom wrapper laying around for a month..I was in complete and utter denial). In addition to that, I made an ass out of myself in front of many, many people (especially guys), poured my heart and soul into a 15 page paper about how people who broke up with their significant others through a computer mediated medium were cowards, had many sleepless and drunken nights, became someone I didn't really recognize, gave up drinking for a few months because I thought that would be the solution to my problem of verbal vomit and making an ass out of myself, and annoyed the crap out of my friends by basically telling everyone and their mother about my break up with Brandon.

That's the one thing I regret the most: verbal vomit. Regardless if I was sober or drunk, it seemed for a long time the only thing I ever talked about was Brandon. I wasted so much time and energy trying to figure out why things happened the way they did and telling my friends all about it. To my friends, I am so, so sorry for putting you through that.

But here I am year later, stronger than ever. Besides the verbal vomit, I would not have done it any other way. I needed to walk away from Brandon when I did (well sooner, but I eventually came around). It took me a full year to become myself again, Bridget, Bridget Clark, bitches..not Bridget longing for Brandon who obviously could give two shits less.

I was told by many people that it would take time and that I needed to be patient in order to deal with my emotions as they were happening so they would never come up again... at this present moment I can say I've felt every single emotion that comes with a break up: the pain, the tears, the regret, the hurting, the longing, the wishing, the I'm thankful it happened bullshit etc, etc..I'm done feeling all these emotions that come with a break up. I've felt more emotions in the past year than I think I have my entire life.

Quite frankly, I'm sick of talking about it, feeling emotions about it, thinking about it, being asked about it and being a "go to" person for people with relationship problems or recent break ups. I don't know if I am the greatest person to seek relationship advice from since I dated a coward for eight years, but I do know I learned a lot about myself post-Brandon era.

This is where all of the good things that have happened to me come into play. I'm finally me again and it feels amazing! I'm finally able to stand on my own two feet again. Yes, putting yourself back out there after what I have been through is tough and so far has not been very successful, but it's no reason to become hopeless or accumulate trust issues. It could be so easy to avoid getting close to another guy or let alone another person because of my past, but ultimately that only hurts myself.

It often feels at times like I have been to hell and back again, but I came back. I didn't stay in the self-pity, longing for someone who never treated me right, sad mode. I made it out alive, I made it out because of my friends and family and ultimately because I believed in myself. I BELIEVED IN MYSELF, I believed I could move past those dog days. It sure as hell wasn't easy (by NO means), but it sure as hell was worth it.

I'm here today knowing who I, Bridget Clark, am and am not. I love myself for who I am and am not. This would not be true if I was still with Brandon.

I make these promises to myself:
I'm not wasting another moment or ounce of energy talking about Brandon.
I promise to not get drunk on a date and mention his name (this post will come soon, I promise).
I promise to not share my story with future or current friends.
I promise to believe there is good in future boyfriends
I promise to get rid of my sappy, self pity music
I promise to not Facebook/Twit about heart break again
I promise to be the Bridget Clark you all know and love :)

Cheers to you November 15th, 2010!