The All-American Boy

I met the All American Boy about a month after the initial break up. He probably met me at one of my most vulnerable periods of my life. I was feeling lonely, useless, ugly, but above all unloveable. I thought if the one person I had been closest to for the past eight years could not love me and could one day wake up and decide he no longer wanted to be with me then there had to be something wrong with me. I wasn't pretty enough, I was too opinionated, I should have embraced his family more, I should have moved in with him, I should not have said or done this or that during this or that time, I should have told him I loved him more...those were only a few of the things that were going through my mind. But no matter how many times I replayed the break-up, the parts leading up to the break-up,the fights, etc in my mind...I felt like it was a dream, a really bad dream. I started acting like it was all a dream, just going through the motions of each day, just barely getting by day in and day out. I started to act and become someone else. That's when I took up the night life scene...

I was out being social more then I had ever been before in my life looking for any and every guy to hit on me to help boost my self-esteem. I was trying to find any and every way to deal with my emotions, drowning myself in self pity and tears or the night life. It felt during those moments I had absolutely no self-esteem, then I would get mad at myself for letting one person, one single person in the world validate my self-esteem. So I would drown myself in alcohol to bury my emotions (although it did the opposite) and hit on every guy that was around. I started to bug my friends about having them set me up with their single guy friends because I was now a single lady and had been tied down for too long in the past.  I had become a stranger to my family and friends, but most importantly to myself.. I was broken.

That's when I met the All American Boy, he was a boy that I never thought would be interested in me. I met him at work and he was everything I could ever imagine I was looking for in another man besides Brandon. He was cute, funny, dressed nicely, ambitious, driven, smart, adored by the entire department, drove a sports car, but above all he was interested in me. Out of all the women in our department, he liked me and it was obvious from the first day we met.

After a few work functions, we finally exchanged numbers and began the process of getting to know each other a little better. I knew I could not mention anything about Brandon or any of the heartbreak I was going through. I saw getting to know the All American Boy as my opportunity to start over again. I never meant to be manipulative or start things off with him on a lie, I just knew at that point in my life if I was ever going to mend I needed to at least try to engage myself in another romantic relationship with someone besides Brandon.

The All American Boy fell hard and he fell deep. I loved the attention. I loved having someone to hang out with and doing the little things with, just like I did with Brandon. In some ways, I tried to make the All American Boy exactly like Brandon..I would buy him clothes that in the past I would have bought for Brandon. I would make him watch all the same movies and shows Brandon and I liked, etc etc.

Speaking of Brandon, this was right around the same time that he came back into my life and apologized for everything he did..he told me he didn't know how he could tell me that he was settling because I was the one for him and he hated his life without me..and a lot more things that I have just deleted from my memory. So I was in a situation I never thought I would be in..dating one guy in the public eye keeping my friends and family happy so it seemed like I was establishing a healthy relationship with someone besides Brandon. That could not be further from the truth. There were many, many nights I would go to the bar with the All American Boy, say I didn't feel good, only to have Brandon pick me up outside the bar so I could go home with him.

I felt like I was living two separate lives. I couldn't keep my stories straight, where I was telling the All American Boy I was going but where I was actually going and who the kid I kept hanging out with all the time at the bar to Brandon. I knew it was going to be temporary. I ignored all the signs Brandon was dating someone else, for example when he couldn't hang out with me because he was at her volleyball game. I thought that I was just buying my time until Brandon woke up and realized he wanted to be with me.

I never had intentions for engaging in a long term relationship with the All American Boy, it was always, always a temporary thing. He was great with my family and my friends, everyone loved him. I used to tell him that all the time, but he would always ask me but what do YOU think of me? I could never answer him truthfully. Here I am spending time during the day and early evening with you, going home canoodling with Brandon and then texting you all the next morning. What kind of person does that?

I was never one of those girls. I never thought I would turn into one of those girls that didn't give a shit about any other persons feelings but her own. But at this point it seemed nothing in the world mattered to me but getting Brandon back into my life as my boyfriend. This mission was not going at all the way towards my favor. Brandon started ignoring me more, not making any sort of effort to hang out and didn't want to canoodle. I knew I had the face the truth..he was dating the other girl.

When I finally put my foot down with Brandon and cut off all contact with him, I thought everything I did in the past few months would just be erased from my memory. I thought I could start all over with the All American Boy, just like Brandon was doing this new girl. Just a few hours after I ended everything with Brandon, I went out to eat with the All American Boy and told him everything about my past with Brandon ...except the canoodling... and that I wanted to make things official with him and start off fresh. But how could I ever start off fresh? I was a liar. I was a coward. I was still broken.

I was telling the All American boy everything and anything he wanted to hear. 

I solely dated the All American Boy for about six weeks before I knew I could no longer string him along. It was not fair. He was inviting me to Christmas with his family, New Years Eve with his closest friends, and weddings in the summer. I knew I had to do something to get him to realize I wasn't going to be around long enough to go to his best friend's wedding in the summer.

So, I got drunk and told him I was canoodling with Brandon for the first few months he knew me. I knew after that drunken episode things were going to be over and over quickly. The next time I saw the All-American Boy, he ended things and rightfully so. I remember fake crying to make it look like I really cared but at that point in my life, I really didn't have any feelings left. I felt like I was hollow inside.

So there I was all alone again. I couldn't fake a relationship with another person when I still had all these hurt feelings within myself. I knew I had to be by myself at that present moment in my life.