Silence is a Killer

I finally ended the canoodling, text message flirting and non-sense that was clearly never going to result in a relationship business just about a year ago. This happened when I found out through various outlets that he was interested in, dating, and spending lots and lots of time with another woman. The cherry on top was when I literally threw myself at him for canoodling and he rejected me. Full out, rejection. I confronted him about the other woman, he denied it...told me she was just a friend. When I pursued the topic more, he just kept saying, "I don't know...I don't know". All I kept asking him was, "I loved you unconditionally, what more could you want?...What did I ever do to you that would make you not love me back?".."I don't know".

That was the last time we talked... I told him that he would never hear from me again. I have held true to this promise...he, however, has not gotten the clue. To this very day, I still get random, random texts from him. These texts are always out of the blue and usually about nothing. BUT I never, ever respond. I can't. I have been through way too much to text him back. Although his random texts usually accompany me with anger and remind me of times when I would have loved to have him text me about random things, there is absolutely no way I can text him back...it would be like taking one huge step back.

I have to say deep down inside me, there is some pleasure I gain from his random texts. For along time after we stopped talking, I secretly hoped he would come back to me and apologize for everything he had done.

A lot has changed in my life since the last time Brandon and I last talked. It seems to me these random texts are the only way he feels he can contact me because I have defriended him and all his friends off Facebook, cut off all contact with mutual friends and wouldn't be caught dead at any of our old hang outs. It takes a lot of will and inner strength to not text him back

But if I did text him back, these are the things that have gone through my mind of my replies:

• F*** off!
• Why don't you tell your girlfriend?
• Do you think I care?
• Why are you still texting me? Get a clue!
• Who is this?
• You have something to say, say it to my face

Of course in my mind, there is a lot of anger that goes into these fake response texts and a lot more swearing. It is very, very tough not to answer back. Sometimes I honestly don't know how I do it...I think I have made up a few tricks that work for me to not text back. Well at least they are working for now and have worked for the past year...First I usually read it and don't spend too much time on it.  I put my phone as far away as possible. Then I try to engage myself in events that have absolutely nothing to do with Brandon. Seems all too easy, right? Well it's not.

I don't delete these texts because last time I deleted all the texts from him (e.g. the break up text) I quickly forgot how much pain and hurt I went through. I forgot how much I cried and cried and eventually vomited  all over the place because I was that hurt.  I never ever want to go back to those feelings.

I have no secret cure as to how not to text your ex-boyfriend back when he randomly texts you. But I do know it feels damn good to be silent...to not say a thing to the one person that has hurt me most in the world. There's an old saying that silence is a killer, I can honestly believe that. It seems like it's more of game now, what random things can he text me about until I text him back..how about none? How about you stop texting me!

Why silence and not tell/text him these things...it's too easy to be that person who bares it all. I want to be classy. I don't want to look back on my life and have regrets. Short term happiness does not equate to long term happiness and a life of no regrets. It's all too easy to give in to joys of "living in the moment" and not thinking about the long-term effects. In the end when the girl texts back the ex-boyfriend with nasty things or throws all of his clothing on the front lawn, doesn't that make her look like an asshole?