As I sit here on Christmas night, I have a song lyric stuck in my head.."So this is Christmas, what have you done? Another year over (or older as I thought the song went for a really, really long time) and a new one just begun" (Happy Christmas by John Lennon).
Wow, another year over, what have I done with my life since Christmas 2009? I think back to where I was just one year ago...still stringing along the All-American Boy, still heart broken and waiting all day to receive a text from Brandon. This is the text I eventually got.."I just wanted to let you know im gonna drop off that bag Sue made n a card but will prb just leave it in your mailbox later this week when i get5 home...i realize how big of an ass i have been but this is neither the time nor place, i just wanted to give u the heads up and wish you a merry christmas..i hope all is well and that you have a good one" (I copied this word for word from my phone..exactly the way it was sent). I remember being pissed, so pissed, actually. But I didn't know how to react, so I didn't..I acted like everything was great and my life was great and I was so, so happy with it. Christmas night 2009, I went to the bar with the All-American Boy, my siblings, and friends with one intention..I wanted to convince myself and everyone with me that I wasn't missing Brandon and that I could do it. If I was successful or not, I couldn't tell you! Karma had another plan for me, who do I run into the bar? But Brandon's cousin. I knew at that moment everything I was doing was wrong. I knew I had to take a step back and re-evaluate what I was telling myself. It was then that I realized things needed to end with the All-American Boy because I wasn't me, I didn't know who I was but I knew I wasn't the real Bridget Clark.
December 25, 2010..back to the future ;)..Here I am, my first Christmas by myself. Truly by myself. No guy I'm talking to, I'm dating, or even interested in. It feels pretty good. I mean, yes going through the Holidays by yourself is never fun, but I have a great family and friends to spend the time with. I'm finally at that point in my life where I am confident to be by myself and not worried about being with someone and most importantly not being with someone just to be with them.
But I have to admit, there is one thing on the back of my mind. Brandon proposing to her. I just want it to happen to be over and done with all of those feelings. Is that really bad to admit? Well, I am admitting it. It's not that I miss him or am waiting for him to text me again like I did last year. I just want it all to be over with and since Christmas time is the time that people typically get engaged, it just seems appropriate. I don't know why but in my mind that's when he'll be mentally dead for me. Over and done with. It's almost as if when they get engaged (or if they ever actually do), he'll never text me again and never have the potential to come back into my life. He's toxic for my life, but it's really difficult when you know someone is toxic for your life but at one time you loved them, you loved them with your whole heart... It's really hard to not care about what that someone is doing once you have loved them. I often imagine how he would propose to her, would it be similar to the ways we talked about?
But so far no news, no Christmas text, nothing. This is great. Finally! No Christmas text from Brandon! Maybe he finally got the clue after how many times he has texted me within the past year and I never responded back, maybe the message finally got through to him that I don't want to talk to him! Maybe he just doesn't think about me at all! Either way, the past is hopefully keeping in the past.
So I think back, another year over, what have I done? I've done a lot actually. The one thing I can say I am most proud of is figuring out who I am and who I am not. Although I can reflect on the things that make me sad in life like not being in a relationship and many times I feel like I am losing and losing over and over again. It's times like tonight. I went out to the bar with my siblings and friends like I always do every Christmas night. This time I didn't run into Brandon's cousin, but rather a mutual friend. A friend that I haven't seen in a really, really long time because I basically cut out anyone in my life who wasn't on Team Bridget. Actually this friend was definitely closer to Brandon than myself. So here we are at the bar, our tables with our individual group of friends are right next to each other..of all the tables at the bar of course I am sitting next to this friend's! Ugh!!
A little bit of the night goes by and there's just no way of getting out of a conversation with this friend. I man up and talk to the friend, the first words out of the friend's mouth are asking me how things are going in my Master's classes of psychology at a certain university...mm well I have nothing to do with psychology and I most definitely do not attend the university Brandon used to go ..wow he's totally mistaking me for HER, yes HER ..of all freakin' people. I didn't know what to do. I just laughed and said "wrong girl"..the friend looked at me as if I was crazy and kept saying "What are you talking about? Wrong girl"..then I said I am not in a Psychology Master's program and not at that university. Then the friend goes oh yes you are doing bla bla bla, yes that's me, friend. I couldn't wait to run away, but to where? The next table over? Yes, I was going to keep myself together and NOT let this brother me. I couldn't. I've come too far, way too far. This was my night out with my siblings and my friends. Forget you! (as Gwyneth Paltrow would say)
Wow, karma thanks for throwing that one my way. Haven't I already proven how strong I am?
As I was driving home, I just kept thinking .."What the hell did I do to deserve this? When do I get to stop carrying this burden around? When do I stop getting punished?" Then "Little Miss" (Sugarland) came on the radio..yes exactly what I need. I felt bad for myself the rest of the night, onto the morning. I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself when I finally had time to process what was going on. Big deal. I ran into a mutual friend at the bar. How many have I ran into before at the bar? Lots and lots! Why was this one different? Because it's on Christmas? Big deal, get over it Bridget, you've come too far!
It was all too easy for me to feel bad for myself. It's ultimately up to myself if I want to keep letting the past sneak back into the future. I can sit back and feel bad for myself and think I'm just going to keep losing over and over again until I finally win. When in reality, I'm winning in every other aspect of my life besides a relationship. Isn't that good enough?
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