Silence is a Killer

I finally ended the canoodling, text message flirting and non-sense that was clearly never going to result in a relationship business just about a year ago. This happened when I found out through various outlets that he was interested in, dating, and spending lots and lots of time with another woman. The cherry on top was when I literally threw myself at him for canoodling and he rejected me. Full out, rejection. I confronted him about the other woman, he denied it...told me she was just a friend. When I pursued the topic more, he just kept saying, "I don't know...I don't know". All I kept asking him was, "I loved you unconditionally, what more could you want?...What did I ever do to you that would make you not love me back?".."I don't know".

That was the last time we talked... I told him that he would never hear from me again. I have held true to this promise...he, however, has not gotten the clue. To this very day, I still get random, random texts from him. These texts are always out of the blue and usually about nothing. BUT I never, ever respond. I can't. I have been through way too much to text him back. Although his random texts usually accompany me with anger and remind me of times when I would have loved to have him text me about random things, there is absolutely no way I can text him back...it would be like taking one huge step back.

I have to say deep down inside me, there is some pleasure I gain from his random texts. For along time after we stopped talking, I secretly hoped he would come back to me and apologize for everything he had done.

A lot has changed in my life since the last time Brandon and I last talked. It seems to me these random texts are the only way he feels he can contact me because I have defriended him and all his friends off Facebook, cut off all contact with mutual friends and wouldn't be caught dead at any of our old hang outs. It takes a lot of will and inner strength to not text him back

But if I did text him back, these are the things that have gone through my mind of my replies:

• F*** off!
• Why don't you tell your girlfriend?
• Do you think I care?
• Why are you still texting me? Get a clue!
• Who is this?
• You have something to say, say it to my face

Of course in my mind, there is a lot of anger that goes into these fake response texts and a lot more swearing. It is very, very tough not to answer back. Sometimes I honestly don't know how I do it...I think I have made up a few tricks that work for me to not text back. Well at least they are working for now and have worked for the past year...First I usually read it and don't spend too much time on it.  I put my phone as far away as possible. Then I try to engage myself in events that have absolutely nothing to do with Brandon. Seems all too easy, right? Well it's not.

I don't delete these texts because last time I deleted all the texts from him (e.g. the break up text) I quickly forgot how much pain and hurt I went through. I forgot how much I cried and cried and eventually vomited  all over the place because I was that hurt.  I never ever want to go back to those feelings.

I have no secret cure as to how not to text your ex-boyfriend back when he randomly texts you. But I do know it feels damn good to be silent...to not say a thing to the one person that has hurt me most in the world. There's an old saying that silence is a killer, I can honestly believe that. It seems like it's more of game now, what random things can he text me about until I text him back..how about none? How about you stop texting me!

Why silence and not tell/text him these things...it's too easy to be that person who bares it all. I want to be classy. I don't want to look back on my life and have regrets. Short term happiness does not equate to long term happiness and a life of no regrets. It's all too easy to give in to joys of "living in the moment" and not thinking about the long-term effects. In the end when the girl texts back the ex-boyfriend with nasty things or throws all of his clothing on the front lawn, doesn't that make her look like an asshole?

Who am I? I am who?

I am in no means an expert in love, friendships, relationships or anything of that nature. 

I am just someone who simply got burnt in a previous relationship. 

I want to share my story and experiences with others who may have felt the same or currently feel the same. I want to relate to those that are going through the same things I have gone through and are going through. My stories have absolutely no scholarly support or evidence to them. Here is a quick recap of my previous relationship: 

I dated the same person throughout high school and college, I was 110% committed to the relationship, I can not say the same for my ex-partner, Brandon. As we were both approaching graduating college, Brandon quickly became a different person. A person I did not recognize or know, after almost eight years it was very difficult not being the closest person to Brandon.

One night at the end of July, Brandon broke up with me via text message. I truly wish I saved the message, but I was too angry and upset to keep it, don't mind see his number and/or name in my phone. Brandon and I did not see each other until a week later when he told me he thought he could find better and didn't want to be with me anymore. A month after that, we began to engage in what I like to call canoodling. We canoodled for about two months and he was constantly telling me he was an idiot for everything he did and he was sorry over and over again. This ended when I found out he was dating someone else on the side, he repeatedly lied to me about. I stopped all contact that very moment. A month later, he moved in with her.


I am positive there are a lot of details I have left out, but promise they will come up here and there as I write more. My story is complex, it always was and it always will be.